“I’m not saying that now is the time to act, or now is not. But you’ve to get somewhere in life, right?” Mom said.
“Mom, each one of us does get somewhere in life. They just wait for their chances and their dawns. Each day can’t bring happiness for everyone. While some might have rainy days in the month of scorching May, some will have summers in Christmas. Mom, each one us needs a chance – to prove ourselves to the world; to prove that we can stand up on our feet without any help; to prove that we can touch the stars. And we need someone to believe – someone to tell us ‘I know you can do it!’ That conviction alone can drive someone to the top,” I replied. “It takes time, Mom and people have to be given time. We can’t create magic in a second. We have to toil a bit, yet despite all these, we might fail. But we have to remember that we’ll have a chance to shine and we have to grasp that golden moment.”
Mom nodded her head.
“Mom,” I continued. “May be I’m not good enough. May be I will fail an exam or two. Failure is inevitable and it must be accepted with grace. I know I’ll fall too many times. But Mom, when I do get my chance – my chance to shine, I promise the world will watch. I promise I’ll scale that mountain and reach the top and tell myself that yes, I did it. I’ll get somewhere, Mom – somewhere high and fine. But you’ve to let me seek out my own paths. You have to give me the courage to spread my wings, else I’ll never know what it is to fly and what it is to drop from the sky. I promise, Mom, that there’ll be a day you’ll tell me, ‘I knew you could do it!’ I’m just waiting for that day. I’ll not miss my chance.”
“And even if you do,” Mom interjected, “I’ll still be proud of you, no matter what.”
The clock had struck midnight by then.
When we were kids, things were simpler.
Be it our first steps or our first strokes on a paper or our first ride on a bicycle, there was always someone who had our back. If we happened to stumble, someone lent a hand. If our strokes were bent, someone taught us how to do it right. If we fell off the bike, someone picked us up and wiped our tears.
So we were not afraid to fall. We were not afraid to fail.
Our smiles were simpler.
Our words were easy.
Our eyes glimmered with hope.
If, back then, someone had told us we’d fly if we jump down the terrace, we’d have gladly done that, for we knew no fear.
When we were tucked into our blankets and whispered fairy tales, we believed they were true.
We grew up.
Smiles were no longer simple. They hid a plethora of emotions.
Each word was carefully uttered, strategically planned in advance.
Our eyes gleamed, not with hope, but with confusion.
Fear resounded in every corner of our minds. The world seemed scary.
We were careful at every step, afraid that we might fall. If our strokes were not perfect, we let them be, for there was no one to teach us. When we fell, no one was around.
And the fairytale we had dreamed of, almost every night, seemed to slip right through our fingers.
What changed in those few years?
I hold deep admiration for two kinds of people:
People with strong voices.
I’ve always been impressed by women with strong voices – women who are not afraid to speak for their own rights; women who can handle everything in the universe; women who start out as little girls playing with Barbie dolls and grow into utterly perfect young ladies and move on to become mothers who are ten thousand times stronger.
Anything that sets us back physically, actually gives us a boost mentally. We are always striving to reach to the top, no matter what. We are always ready to speak out loud for our own rights and for the million women like us.
And in today’s world, we DO get a say.
However, there had been darker times in the past.
My brother and I, growing up far away from our grandparents, didn’t really have a close relationship with them. We visited them once in two months, only for an hour or two and interactions were pretty much limited.
My grandmother was a petite woman with graying hair and a thousand wrinkles covering her face.
The many times she would call me to her room, she would spend away every minute asking me how my studies were going on. After a couple of small talks, there would be nothing to talk about, so I’d stand up and simply walk out of the room.
Conversations with her were usually small and I couldn’t blame her for it. There was a huge generation gap in the first place and second, I wasn’t really good at conversations.
So when my grandmother came to stay with us for a week, I decided to take the opportunity and get to know her better. The entire prospect of having someone in the empty house and not having to spend silent hours, thrilled me.
Every day after Mom and Dad would leave for their work, she would call for me and my brother and tell us a story.
No, the story never had princesses or horses in them, but they spoke about the lives of strong women and how they fought against the differences in the society in the past. As teenagers, the stories never caught our attention, but we heard them nevertheless because she seemed so happy while telling us those little tales.
It was the last day of her stay. My parents had taken a day off. While Mom was busy in the kitchen, Dad was talking to me. Grandma sat next to Dad, muttering something to herself as she flipped through the pages of the newspaper.
“I really think you should go there,” Dad said as he looked down at the folder containing a list of my preferred colleges.
“No, Dad! I want to go to a co-ed college!” I snapped. “I’ve told you so many times that I don’t want to go there.”
“But it’s a good college!”
“I don’t care!”
“Why are you always so adamant?”
“Because,” I spoke in a louder voice. “You don’t listen-“
“Theya!” my grandmother snapped suddenly.
For a woman as calm and collected as my grandmother, it was an unusual reaction.
“Keep your voice down,” she said.
A part of me was terribly irritated and the other part of me was embarrassed. Fighting the little tears that had started pricking at the corners of my eyes, I turned to Dad.
“I’m not going to that college, “I spoke through gritted teeth.
He sighed, shaking his head and standing up. This meant that we were not having this conversation today.
After he had left the room, Grandma motioned me to take a seat beside her. Grumbling, I complied.
“You didn’t have to talk like that to your dad,” she spoke.
“But I should have a say in what college I am going to study in!”
“You do have a say. That is why your parents are still waiting for your final decision.”
“But is it wrong to raise my voice? Is it wrong to stand up for my own wishes?”
Pulling me close, she shook her head.
“No,” she said. “I’m happy to see that you’ve a strong voice. You are growing up to be a strong woman. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Back in our times, though we had a voice, we never got a say in things.”
I looked up to meet her glistening eyes.
“Why?” I asked.
“I was born in an era of voiceless women. We were strong, but we didn’t have a voice. All we did, was sit in the kitchen and hear to the decisions being made. Back in those darker days, women were thought to be weak. The one or two who dared to speak up were looked down upon.”
“It’s surprising,” she continued, “to see how much things have changed! Women have made their mark in every field and they have struggled a lot to get there. I see the little me in you, Theya.”
By then, her voice had been breaking at places.
She held my hand and gave it a little squeeze.
“My father decided not to send me to school after the fifth grade. I was adamant to go. Yet, I didn’t know how to speak out in front of him. I was afraid of what he might say when he listens to me. So, all I could do was cry silently for several days. I had a voice, only, I was afraid to speak out. And so were many other women.”
“I don’t believe it,” I muttered.
This caused her to laugh.
“Oh, no, you don’t! Times have changed, hopefully. Women have always been strong. Back then, they had been strong as well. Only, without a voice,” she said. “When I see pretty young ladies like you, liberated and not held back by any constraint, it makes me immensely proud.”
That day, I saw my grandmother as the woman she was – strong, bold and beautiful. Though it was hard for me to believe that there had been a time like that, I could feel her pain. I could feel how it felt to not have a say in anything.
“So,” my grandmother began again. “What would you do if you lose your voice today?”
Later that night, when she was packing her stuff, I wished she could’ve stayed a bit longer.
“Grandma,” I said as I walked to her and offered to help with the packing. “I think I would probably go mad if I lost my voice for a day. I mean I can’t imagine that you’ve gone through all that!”
Shaking her head, she smiled to herself.
Her question kept me awake for the entire night. Indeed, what would I do if I lose my voice for a day?