Of Beautiful Tragedies

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry. But I can’t. I can’t be the person who can lead the crowd. I can’t be the person who walks along with the crowd. I’d rather sit at the sidewalks and watch them walk past me.

I can’t do this. I can’t be the person you want me to be. I can’t be this person who the world looks up to. I can’t be this person who is instantly recognized amidst a buzzing crowd. I’d rather be one little person, lost in the same crowd, looking at others.

I can’t do this. I can’t be the person you think I’ll turn out to be. For I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be the person who has perfect grades, perfect scores, perfect job, perfect family, perfect house, but not a perfect life. Perfection is delusional. I don’t want to be this person who doesn’t have the courage to chase after their dreams and is instead driven by a crowd. I don’t want to be that person.

I can’t do this. I can’t bottle up my dreams and throw them away. I don’t want to be one of the hundred people I meet on the road everyday, who don’t have dreams glistening in their eyes. Each one of us has a dream. And happiness lies in reaching that dream..in reaching close and grasping it and crying in joy. I have a dream. And I do want to hold on to it.

I can’t do this. I can’t wake up each day and live another person’s life. The person inside me..the real person struggles to express itself each day, but I shut it out, because I’m not sure if you’d like this person. This person is scared and vulnerable. This person is clueless and driven by dreams and not by plans. This person wakes up to enjoy today and not spend the day planning for tomorrow. This person takes a step first and then thinks. This person is different. This person finds hope in the dark. This person cries and never holds back. And you’d probably not like this person.

I can’t do this. I want to be something different..something different than the facade I pull up each day. I have a million dreams. I want to stand at a crossroad and take a leap into the unknown. I want to know where that way leads to. I don’t want to take the safer road. I want to take a risk and see where it leads me. If I fall, I’ll bounce back, I believe. If I fail, all is not lost, right?

I can’t do this. I just can’t. I want to be someone different than the person you want me to be. I want to be someone different than the person others consider me to be. I want to be the person I want to be.”

There was a knock at the door, and a moment later, someone entered. In the palpable darkness, the figure moved towards the little light at the corner of the room and bent over the table toΒ peer into her notebook.

“What are you doing?” the person asked.

“Just revising notes,” came the reply.

When the person left the room, she ripped away the paper from her notebook and went back to being the person she didn’t want to be. Back to the same person, who ran away from her own dreams.

Switching off the little light, she fell back on her bed and slept away the night.

The other morning, she wrote the same thing again in a different sheet and tore it apart before anyone arrived.

For days, she kept writing the same thing over and over again. For days, she looked for a chance to scream out her words at the world. For days, she waited for someone to hear her. For days, she waited for someone to understand without her having to say a word.

Somewhere down the lane, over the years, her habit was lost. So were her dreams. Her words were muffled. The pieces of paper withered away, the ink got smeared due to the rain. The pieces of paper were trampled on, yet some remained.

And one fine day, when the world did know about this person she had always wanted to be, it was too late. She had already become the person she’d never wanted to be.

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21 thoughts on “Of Beautiful Tragedies”

  1. Very nice job. Isn’t it amazing how much we’re held back by fear? Especially the fear of rejection. “What if they don’t like the person I’ve become?” Sometimes, we’re fighting against “tape recordings” in our head put there by a parent or another significant person from the past, telling us we can’t be what we want to be. We must be brave. We must step in to the place that’s been made for us.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I totally agree with you, especially the tape recording part. Each time we think we are ready to take a step forward into the unknown and discover the beauty that lies out there, we are held back by this nagging voice in our head that keeps telling us that the thing we are about to do is wrong.

      Indeed, we must be brave. We must take a step first. No amount of planning can prepare us for the future. The future will always surprise us.

      Like

      1. I want to suggest a wonderful book for you. It’s “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. She writes about how to have creative recovery. How to get in touch with your inner artist. She talks a lot about our “internal editor” that is typically based upon someone in our past who told us we couldn’t write. That we’d never measure up. My father once said to me, “I’ve heard a saying that if a man has nothing good to say, he’d better not say anything at all.” He said this in response to my comment that I wanted to be a writer. Yes, dad is my internal editor. Just promise me you’ll check out the book. It can change you. It can make you better.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wished that I could have not followed the crowds instead I would have followed my heart … Like that girl who wished to be heard by someone I also wished that my parents would have understood my feelings but it’s already too late now πŸ™‚ … Life has taken me a long way in another direction.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The truth is, there is no perfect plan. Even if we decide to chase our dreams, there’s still of risk of failing and we can’t fall back on the same excuse of “Oh, I didn’t really want this.” But sometimes, despite the risks, despite the vulnerabilities that lie ahead, we should go ahead and strive to fulfill our dreams. We get one life. And what is this one life if one hasn’t tasted how it feels to hold your dream close!

      I have spent this eighteen years of my life writing this on a piece of paper and then throwing it away. I convince myself, but at the end of the day I look around and find that nobody’s really interested in listening to my dream. I need to buck up, have the courage and strive.

      Thank you for stopping by πŸ™‚

      Like

  3. This post is so amazingly written! I could totally find myself in your words. I see it took you 18 years to write a masterpiece like this. Guess I have one more year to think about something like that. Or at least, I hope I can ever write anything like you can. You’ve inspired me to put myself out there in words.
    XXX

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We have a lot of unwritten stories within us. We think about it every night before sleeping, but we can’t gather enough courage to tell it to the world. Trust me, these stories which we keep inside ourselves, are the most beautiful ones. These stories carry a part of us. And these stories matter. I’m looking forward to reading your unwritten story someday.

      Thank you for stopping by!

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  4. What a gorgeous post, thank you! At age 30, I’m finally trying to break away from the crowd and go my own way – I quit my job, my last day was this past Monday, to try some new things. At your age, you’re way ahead of the game. Can’t wait to read more.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Such a great post as affirmed by many others. I toggle between three voices My Mom -You can be anything you want. My Dad -Get to work and get security and my voice What to do? What to do?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly. It’s like we spend half of our lives, confused and clueless and it’s like nobody understands us! The rest half of our life, we spend thinking about the things we could’ve been!

      Thank you for stopping by πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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